pa1ntAp1cture

So, I just wanted to inform everyone that I have a new project I'll be working on.

So I've been writing for several years now, probably since I was.... 10 and here I am, 24 years old now and I have decided I want to get all the sites I have been on, all the writing I've done, and get it all collaborated together. I know I have improved vastly since I first started writing which is to be expected with gaining experience.

I am on AO3, Fanfiction.net, Tumblr, and I used to be on the sadly now defunct !ygalleries so I had a couple works, collaborations I may have back-uped, and of course I have a lot of work here.

First I shall list all my pseudo ids/user names. My writing may have been found under over the years and on what sites

Deviant art:
TrunksGohanLover
DatSexyMadaraUchiha
ThorinOneLastTime
pa1ntAp1cture

Fan fiction.net
Itachi_is_KICKASS
pa1ntap1cture (current)

AO3
FiliAtYourService
whataterrorificmess (current main)

ygalleries
DARKCHIDORILOVER

Tumblr
DatSexyMadaraUchihaTho
pa1ntap1cture
whataterrorificmess (current main)

Now, a lot of my old shit (literally shit) I'm not going to rewrite/revamp anything. The only thing I'm going to probably do is beta them, maybe, don't know yet but I am defiently going to fix cringeworthy formatting.

This'll be a long process but it'll get there.

Here's to 11 years on deviant art!!! Cheers!!

I have to say I haven't been excited for an anime or anime related media for a loooong time, hell I think since Naruto ended and broke my heart, but has anyone been watching Digimon Tri? It's fucking awesome! As a fan of Digimon ever since it first came out when I found out about this movie series I was super excited! WHO IS EAGER FOR NUMBER FIVE!!?!?!? OPHANIMON FALLDOWN MODE HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Gosh I'm super bad at updating this huh? Hello there my lovelies, I just looked at my profile stats and my eyes just got ginormous, I can't believe I've been on here for nine years... coming on ten! Wow, that just blew my mind for the day. I remember when I first joined this site DBZ was my first fandom I was into and boy did that show on here. Holy smokes.

It is due to this fact that I posted on dA that I decided to post an update on my life. I kinda let out a bitter chuckle when I saw my last journal date. I'm not going to sugar coat it, the past year and half... well I guess two years sent my life into a downward spiral... but the highlight would be this past year.

This journal might shock several of my friends on here, as I haven't really been one to post extremely personal shit for a good few years now and it's not something women usually share so.. publicly as it's extremely private. I just want to make note that what I'm about to tell you is not for me to get sympathy because for those who know me personally, you know very well I can't stand the 'pity pity wooh is me' shit, my father was that type of person and boy oh boy do I have major daddy issues because of it. No... what I'm about to share is not meant to gain your pity, hell if you throw it at me I'll probably throw it right back at you due to my own pride in being able to keep moving forward, this is meant to help any women who have suffered the same things I have this past year, even men if you've had to deal with such a tragic decision. 

Two years ago I met a young man and I can honestly say I fell in love for the very first time, I'd had other 'attempted relationships' before yeah, but this was the first man I can honestly say I actually TRULY loved and it was such a wonderful feeling. Long story short, he broke my heart badly... and later on eight months later he finely revealed to me that he didn't like me like that, that I was basically just a friend with benefits and I was just... devastated. Come around a few months later after going months without seeing him and dealing with getting my heart broken a second time by a guy.. A MARRIED MAN who TOLD ME he was going through a divorce and fuck if he didn't make that convincing! Moving his stuff into a closet sized room in the basement saying he couldn't sleep in their old bedroom anymore, not wearing his ring, speaking so awfully of her, and spending well over $400 on me in one weekend when he was taking me out... I was pretty convinced. I was just mortified and horribly depressed, I started doing self-harm behavior.. cutting and stuff and I was ashamed but I couldn't stop.

The first love... he came to my rescue taking me out of town for a few days to get away from it all. One night when we were drinking.. he finely revealed to me why we never worked out and honestly the truth was a major turn off. Basically he was sleeping around all the time to try to substitute the pain of his breakup with the girl he was with for four years and even proposed to. All that depression was just lifted and I honestly could say I didn't feel the same way I used to about him, well were both drunk and basically said fuck it and we hooked up that night. 


When I got home i felt so relieved I felt five times lighter and I was so happy that I wasn't depressed anymore. However... later on at 1:00 in the morning on Easter Sunday I tested myself out of concern and found out that I was pregnant... and all the heartbreak and pain came at me like a five foot thick brick wall. I was devastated, scared, and didn't know what to do, family was pressing me not to keep it. I had no job. No car. I didn't even have my driver's license yet. I was mentally unstable. My family was tight on money and couldn't afford to take care of a baby. Anxiety at top notch..  I told him in tears, he basically told me "Look, I'm the man you're the woman... I don't really have a say in the matter."  

He left me with that decision all by myself. I had no friends. My family was kinda distant. It was me against the whole fucking world. At first I tried to ween myself off my medications because I wanted to keep it.. but I only managed four days before I was borderline suicidal without my anti-depressants. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have lasted nine months at that point, I was such a mess. So April of 2016.. I ended up having to make one of the hardest decisions in my entire life, I had a medicinal abortion and it... it fucked me up for a very... very long time. 

I know I made the better decision, I'd want my child to have the life it deserved with two parents there as I grew up with just my ma. I'd want to be able to be a good mom and be able to financially support him or her. I had nothing to give a child and I was in no position to have one. However, despite that knowledge that didn't make the pain any worse.. I was messed up for a very, very long time. I tried to overdose on the Percocet given to me by the clinic to help with the cramps caused by the induced miscarriage. I was taken to the hospital and I ended up checking myself into the behavioral ward to get help that I knew I needed. Even after I got out of the hospital it was still hard, I even went as far as trying to slit my own throat in my grief and rage.. twice! I have two scars on my neck from the attempt and I remember the feeling of betrayal when it didn't work the first time, I sat on the bathroom floor with the scalpel, the ring my mother had gotten me on my sweet sixteenth birthday on my right hand, the cross necklace that would change color depending on your mood given to me by my little sister around my neck the pendant kissed to my lips as I silently prayed to god for forgiveness before I went. It was like god wouldn't let me go and at the time I was just so fucking angry because I didn't want to do it anymore. 

By I didn't want to do it anymore you have to understand what that meant to me at the time, it wasn't that I didn't want to live anymore. I have always preached against suicide because I have had people I loved commit suicide and aftershocks of the act... are just devastating. The reason I kept trying to go forward for so long at that point was thinking of my mother's crying face when she found out, my little sister's sobs.... my kitty... and the other animals at the farm.... my grandmother... but in the state that I was in I reluctantly, foolishly... selfishly tried to convince myself that they would move on, someday. No... what I didn't' want to do anymore is look in the mirror everyday... before it all I had always thought I was beautiful but now at this time I just... I just saw someone I didn't recognizes.. I just saw a monster, and it wasn't just because of the scars on my arms, legs, chest. As human beings we have this complex, a self-righteous, arrogant, ignorant complex that causes us to believe that these sort of things won't happen to us. The bad things don't happen to us. Then they do and it's just overwhelming.

To any of you ladies who have had to face something like this, I just want you to know that YOU are NOT in ANY WAY a monster for your decision. YOU are a STRONG BEAUTIFUL human being who chose this path NOT to HURT but out of LOVE. If your pregnancy has the chance of causing both harm to you and the child... why would you want to bring another person into this world? It's just not wise. God forgives and you can tell those pro-life people who if they find out about the experience to shove their baby killer preaches up their asses because I can guarantee you even some of the most pro-life people if put in my shoes would have done the same thing. Besides, who is ANYONE to tell you that YOU WILL GO TO HELL for it. Excuse me, are they god? No, they are not. I would rather let god speak for himself and accept whatever decision he makes when I get there, just as I had to. 

Life is about learning from your choices, and while my wounds are still fresh and I am going to counseling you can get through it and you are not alone. Just know that you are loved and you are beautiful. The sad thing is there are hundreds of women who have to deal with similar situations ever year. Most of them are terrified, sad, and conflicted. I was never one for abortions besides the cases of rape or incest but I do know, I DO KNOW, that I made the right choice. Learn from it, for example I never wanted kids before the ordeal but now.. the experience has encouraged me to get up off my ass and get going with my life, in hopes that eventually I can get into a stable period where I can happily have that opportunity again. I got my driver's license in June of last year a few months afterwards, I moved out of my mother's house and I'm now working a full-time job... and as of mother's day I am engaged. 

I met the love of my life last June, I kid you not TWO WEEKS after I tried to slit my throat, the cuts were still turning to scars. I was fucking wasted when I met him and despite that I felt something instantly as soon as we started talking. I think that was a sign because we've been together for almost a year coming on the 21st. He's everything that the first guy wasn't, but at the same time he's not. The one difference is that this man actually loves me in return, whilst the other one didn't.. I was just another point on his scoreboard for nails in bed. This one, I've given him my heart and he's given me his and I will never EVER let it go. I love him to the ends of the earth, so much that I'm sitting here with a dumb ass grin on my face as I'm typing it. 

People will tell you things will get better, and honestly that's the one thing you don't want to hear and you'll role your eyes or nod solemnly so they leave you alone, but the truth is they do with patience and time. 

You are a beautiful, strong, individual and you can overcome anything in your path. Never EVER let other people drag you down, and most importantly learn to forgive yourself because it's okay, there are people who understand and you can make a difference.